


Aftermath

by credensjusitiam



Category: The Matrix (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Between The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded, Character Past Headcanon, Denial, F/M, Headcanon, Not Beta Read, Post-The Matrix, References to Character Death, Romance, Something Written Years Ago, Spoilers for The Matrix, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-05-12
Updated: 2009-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27998013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/credensjusitiam/pseuds/credensjusitiam
Summary: "When it was all said and done.." Trinity has trouble accepting it all.
Relationships: Thomas Anderson | Neo/Trinity
Kudos: 1





	1. Half Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,
> 
> This is a very old (like 2009-ish/High School time) fic that I had posted on my old FFN account ( Wanderinspirts and Wandering Spirits, but I've since lost the password for one) and LJ. I decided after debating for a while to post it and my old fics so I can have everything in one place and because with a new movie due in the future, I thought about returning to this fic.
> 
> I've tried to clean it up as best I can. I don't feel quite right about entire rewrting it.
> 
> Original Note:
> 
> AN: Hello. This is a rewrite of the original "Aftermath" fanfiction that I had posted a few weeks ago. Well, I wasn't exactly impressed with how it turned out so I decided to redo it and after alot of time here it is again. I'm still not completely sure about how it turned out. Regardless I tried and gave it my all. After all this is my first venture into Matrix fanfic. (Does a rewrite even count as a first?)
> 
> Unbetaed fanfic alert. (I did spell check over a hundred times..so...) If any mistakes are found please kindly PM me and tell me what and where they are. Thank you for your time. Also, flames are not welcome. They do not help anyone with writing. Constructive and nicely phrased criticism is welcome though..

**Story Title:** Aftermath

 **Chapter Title:** Half Pain

 **Chapter:** 1/?

 **Plot:** "When it was all said and done.." Trinity has trouble accepting it all.

* * *

"Numbly, I gather the remnants of my emotions,

And searching for redemption, I...

Fall into a light sleep,

On a lonely night

I'm beginning to learn the designs of sorrow

The hiding away of your warm presence

Makes me fear the overflowing darkness."

**-Half Pain by Bana**

(*English lyrics)

(Song used in the anime Witch Hunter Robin)

* * *

**_Part One:_ **

Ever since the death's of the _Nebuchadnezzar_ crew and the realization that everything the Oracle had said to her had come true, Trinity had become "withdrawn" (at least that was the closest description that any of the remaining crew could use, though they often added "even more so than before" to their description) from the world and people around her. She spent her waking moments performing her duties or training. There were even a few instances when she was supposed to be asleep when she would instead attempt to perform repairs to the heavily damaged hovercraft despite knowing that they would be able to handle getting back to Zion. Especially now that they had another ship escorting them back.

After going off duty for the day, she sat up in her cabin with her ratty, worn, and comfortable gray blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Her eyes still wide open and her mind rushing in thousands of directions. She could not bring herself to try to sleep and even if she did try, it would not happen. It was just impossible for her to sleep at a time like this. Her closest friends-no it was more like members of her family- was gone now. Now, could she sleep when what happened replayed itself in her mind? How could she sleep knowing that she could not do anything to save them? Was there even anything she could have done to prevent it? She had also questioned herself about her actions towards Neo. Were they also a cause behind everything?

She detested knowing that there was nothing but questions in her mind. Questions which her mind constantly flipped to and from. She could never focus on any particular one for a long length of time because it hurt to do such. After that particular thought, she leaned herself forward, and as the blanket slipped exposing her back and arms to the chilly air. The woman then began rubbing her arms as she pulled the blanket around herself once again.

Would she ever be able to answer those questions and find the truth behind them?

A pause followed in her mind when she had finally asked herself that very question for the millionth time. The question which had no true answer. There was only speculation and what little that the perpetrator has revealed. It was maddening and what felt like an infinite number of other negative emotions. Her once empty mind now found itself flooded with so many feelings that she could not accurately determine.

There was no sigh or mutter that escaped her. There was only still, haunting silence, like always. Though she was the slightest bit thankful. After all, if she had made a loud enough noise, someone could have heard and come over to investigate. Either way, she could not have saved them. Not, when she was still plugged in. Not, when she knew that the priority would be in getting Neo (rather the "One") out of danger. She knew her actions were simply procedure. Like how they had always had been in the past.

Then she remembered something that Switch (who was the closest thing she had to a sister in both worlds) had told her years ago and then wrapped her arms around herself gently as if she were shielding herself. Most of the memory was faded and fuzzy, but the reason was there. She had known that they were going to die after they had freed the "One."

It was the single most important decision that they had ever made. Knowing all of them as long as she had, she had known that this was going to happen all of this time. But even now she wanted to believe that she had not ever known.

Yet, it still happened because they had made their choice and knew what it would bring in return.

The female soldier both quickly as well as quietly cursed to herself and resisted the urge to punch at the metal wall next to her. After a few moments of struggle, she unclenched her fist and lowered it. Breaking a hand or rather doing something so useless was a horrible idea. Especially when it would do nothing to change what had happened.

The same reason that had stopped her so many times before she was freed.

After everything was said and done. It was too late to do anything but to return "home." She shut her blue eyes and gently shook her head at the thought. Zion was not one of her favorite places because it served as a reminder that she had no one in this new world. She was alone, like always. There was no one there to ever greet her. There was no one there to even pass by in the hallway. usually she spent her days there locked away in her apartment or walking around. She did not socially drink or join in much unless it was necessary. Her life there was not much different than her life before. She was still a loner-she just did not have the computer anymore.

The urge to smile came at the thought and for an extremely brief moment, she felt...better? At the very least more like herself from back in the day. She, at the very least, felt as if she was not carrying any weight on her shoulders.

Not like now. Everything just kept piling up on top of her. It was becoming even a hassle to breathe because it felt like every time she did so, something else would happen.

At the thought of the truth, she felt sick. For a moment she sat there steadily tightened her grip on herself in an attempt to calm herself until a loud knock sounded. She felt the urge to sigh and answer the door but chose not to. Her eyes slowly opened as the knocks became louder and constant. She knew what it was about. She just did not know who it was. Trinity was positive that recent actions had gained the attention of the other three survivors. She had noticed (despite having a severe shortage in the crew) that the number of hours she had for working had been decreasing left and right and that even when she was not supposed to be off-duty that someone was coming to take her place after a few hours.

She had not been seen in the mess hall in days and when someone would ask her about it, she could quickly reply that she had eaten earlier or that she would eat later. It usually was enough to earn her a concerned look and a reluctant dropping of the subject. Yet, every time she had returned to her room there was a tray with the "goop" left near her cot that would go mostly uneaten and disposed of later on. Then she would wrap the old blanket around herself and lean against the cold metal wall next to the cot very much like this every time.

Trinity could no longer feel the cold metal against her back. After all ever since she had been "freed" she spent her nights leaning against it in silence and in thought. Usually, in those days she stayed up thinking about and absorbing everything that she had learned, saw, or said during that very day.

But tonight she chose not to dispose of the "food" right away. As the woman looked at the sight from her bed, she could not help but wonder who had been coming in and leaving the trays behind. She wrapped the ratty blanket tightly around her and slowly, gently shut her eyes. It became hard to swallow and her eyes felt as if they were tearing up.

Out of her mouth came a soft and quick murmur/answer of "Neo."

Or at least she would like to think it was him. Though in the end, it was all the same. It was all new and unusual. Most of the time people just stood by and acted as if at least something was still normal. It had always been like that, at least until now. Everything had been based on distance before she had gotten to know everyone past and present on the Neb's crew.

Hell, she internally sighed, it still is. She was still both close and far from everyone and had been. The woman lowered her head a little and asked herself verbally "Is that really why I feel like this?"

The walls could not answer her but the silence did make her realize that she wanted to talk to him but she simply could not.

It was a feeling that a teenage girl would experience and not something that she, a soldier, should be feeling now. Her head and her emotions entered a new battle against each other every time she saw him and because they were this ship it was a constant thing. She had admitted her feelings (something she never once did to another person) and even found herself crying (something she had thought she had forgotten how to do) directly when they had kissed the second time. It wasn't something that could be forgotten either. During the time, that it happened many feelings overtaken her. Ones that she had never expected to experience over such a simple act.

Fear-the emotion that she had felt ever since she first met him, the emotion that overtook her during that time in the car and when he was unplugged, and the feeling that overtook her when Cypher ordered her to look into his eyes and answer his question.

The woman felt her hands clench into fists at the memory. That arrogant bastard's words still replayed in her head. Especially when he had told her to: **_"Look into his eyes. Those big pretty eyes and tell me... Yes or no."_**

She had felt weaker than she ever before that point because the answer was more than obvious at this point. His cold tone and his words had done more than enough damage. He had known. He had known all of this time. It infuriated her further. It was just not enough for him to stop at "Traitor." At the thoughts of what had followed this confession, the feeling of being "dirty" followed.

Helplessness- First time she ever felt this was she heard the gunshots that had silenced the talkative Mouse. The feeling that overcame her as she watched both Apoc and Switch die in front of her and when she had heard the monitor above Neo making that awful sound later on. The feeling of not knowing what to do. It was more frightening than encountering an agent. It was unbearable.

Confusion- The feeling that had knocked her off of her feet the moment she first saw him. The feeling that combined itself with so many others. The emotion that made her wonder why she was always watching him both before and after his unplugging. Why her heart was pounding loud enough to for her to hear when they had first met. Why when he had died she found herself silently begging him to wake up...

She was then reminded of something as she heard the door to the cabin next to hers open.

His room.

Trinity believed that Neo wanted to talk to her at this moment. There were so many times where she could feel his eyes gazing on her full of worry or confusion. Those times made the normally untouchable woman want to break down and tell him everything. She hated feeling that type of gaze on her. Especially when it was his eyes looking and noting her because it was like he knew everything. He could obviously see through her acts.

Except she could not bring herself to do it. She had made so many promises to herself that she would never fall for anyone. She had seen too much and was disillusioned with love. It was something that caused both sadness and pain. But she knew that it was not the kind that she was used to experiencing in fights or training. But the kind that took longer to recover from because it was a blow to the heart.

She remembered those reassurances that she had been given during her first visit to the Oracle as well as her own reactions in perfect detail. It was so very long ago, but it was still so very easy to remember everything about that visit which had also been her first return to the matrix. She remembered the overly large black trench coat especially.

At the time the young teenager had hated-no detested her cheerful smile. She simply returned the face with a blank and expressionless one. She hated the smell of freshly baked cookies and cheerful colors. The things that she had never had in her "former" life. Things that were different and odd. Yet, most of all she hated how this woman was suggesting that she had no control in her life. In return, she had shown her defiance by sitting there with her arms still and at her side.

 _"How could anyone possibly buy this garbage?"_ was the first thought that had entered her mind and was later followed by: _"My life is my own. I get to control what I make of it. At least now that I'm free I can."_

After a few impossibly long minutes of the most "annoying" silence imaginable coupled with looks that meant that the older woman knew that she had been thinking those things, Trinity had quietly said, _"Falling in love isn't a choice nor does it add any strength."_

The older woman's smile never disappeared. In fact, it had been accompanied with a gentle laugh much to the younger one's dismay.

"Falling in love can be a choice dear and despite what your past tells you it can be the ultimate strength. You can choose to let love into her heart or to allow it to remain frozen. Only thing is that your mind doesn't get to make that choice." She got up and handed her a freshly baked and magazine-worthy chocolate chip cookie before adding "But there is another choice and this one you do get to make."

The dark-haired rebel sat forward as she heard the Oracle's next statement, _"You will be given the chance to help "The One" realize who he truly is but-"_

The younger one did not allow her to finish her sentence. She quickly shot a look towards the older woman and questioned her with an at first quiet _"What do you mean?"_ followed by a louder and irritated _"He doesn't know who he is?"_ When silence met those inquiries she fired off a whole string of questions within one breath.

She remembered that Oracle never answered even one of her questions. She had only told her that she would know when the time was right and when she made up her own mind.

The woman smiled as she quietly murmured "Falling in love.. and the heart, huh?" snapped herself out of her collective daze and exited her cabin.

Usually in her early days, if she had time before going on duty, Trinity would interest herself in a training program. She usually never chose a particular one and always just selected the first one that she saw. From that point, she would gather up all of her feelings of uncertainly, fear, sorrow, and anger and train until she could either no longer realize what they were or until she only felt numb inside. The feeling of entering a never-changing room gave her some comfort. No matter what she did to it when she left and came back it was still as good as new. If she had done so during her life in the matrix, it was possible that she would end up left with a destroyed room, some possible jail time, and an empty wallet. At the thought of that, she sighed internally. With things as they stood now, it no longer mattered. She could have gone in there and destroyed an entire building within minutes just the same and not have felt any regret.

But with things as they were in this moment, she knew better than to do such a foolish act. No matter how stressed out she felt and how reckless she felt like being because of it. She would simply settle for a training program like always had back in the day.

It was eerily quiet and peaceful (despite the noise that the ship's engines provided). Something that she was not and had never been used to in her life. It was also something which it should not have been. It was another reminder of it all. Then she felt the familiar cold again and was reminded once again that some things had not changed either. As she got closer to where she needed to go desperately, the silence was replaced by the sound of her own heart pounding in her ears. From that moment on it became slightly easier to walk to her destination. As she took each step slowly she began to feel her mind blanking out.

They were still there. They were lying there as if they were asleep. The only difference would be that the sheets covered them completely. She shut her eyes and looked away ashamed at making that extremely childish thought. The woman soldier, as she called herself, within that moment reminded herself for what felt like the tenth time that hour to remain strong. With those words in her head, she reluctantly took a deep breath and was about to look away and distract herself from the sight when the sound of footsteps stopped her.

**_To be continued_ **


	2. Michiyuki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see chapter 1 for all my notes, below are my original notes.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Neo, Trinity, and everyone and thing else belongs to their respective owners. 'Cuz if I owned anything...I would be extremely rich, famous, and I would have had a happier ending..or something. I do own the all the movies (and Animatrix) on DVD, manga, and a clarinet, however. Does that mean anything?
> 
> AN: Chapter two is here at last. I had a really hard time writing this. I wasn't sure what to do the entire time (which resulted in three different and crappy chapters) so I ended up writing whatever popped into my head. I liked this best and thus decided to use it. I'm nervous about how it turned out. Trinity is a really hard character to write for me (writing her is the same difficulty I have trying to use my Asuka Langely Sohryu (Evangelion) voice for improv..and it's a 20/10 in difficulty) and the same goes for Neo. (Why I improv..I get bored and record myself on my cell phone with character voices. None of them are any good.)
> 
> Over the course of writing this, I turned 17 and got a Neo doll for my birthday. So I have the constant reminder and inspiration up in my room. I also have to note that the manga and anime series "Loveless" gave me a lot of inspiration. I also have to thank everyone who read, reviewed, favorited, etc for their help in getting me to write!
> 
> Unbetaed...

* * *

"Meeting each other in order to know loneliness,

We won't know until we exchange a kiss.

Even so, I am trembling with the joy Of having met you.

Please support my heart.

We will dream no more, We can't run to a warm place.

We will surely overcome The cruel dawn.

The abandoned quietness

Will surely find

The true words

In order to lovingly hurt each other.

Someday surely"

**\- Michiyuki by Kaori Hikida**

(*English lyrics)

(Song used in the anime series "Loveless")

* * *

**_Michiyuki_ **

_"...when the sound of footsteps stopped her."_

Within that single moment, she had shut her eyes and simply listened to the sound as it came steadily towards her blending with the other sounds that the background provided. As she stood there in silence, she slowly threw her warrior's facade that had briefly fallen off back on and reminded herself of her position for what felt like the thousandth time that week. Only this time it felt as if what little energy she had left was going to end up failing her within minutes. When she thought that she was in a good enough condition to turn around and face whoever it was coming towards her she learned that she was unable to by paying close attention to how they sounded. Innocent, child-like, shy, there were many words that she could have used just from this moment but she knew that none of them were accurate enough.

She loved how they sounded. They were different. They were not bold, angry, or ninja-like which were the normal types that could be heard in this world.

She moved slightly. Her movement, to Neo's surprise, had only caused the tiniest bit of sound against the metal. He was sure that she was thinking about something. That was something that he was sure she was doing a lot of. His dark eyes could see that she was about to break. Was it because of him? Did he do something wrong? Did he not understand something? He had tried to talk to her. But she always appeared to be unapproachable lately.

He had not known the crew as well as she did but he felt horrible for what happened. Considering that at least that some of what happened appeared to be his fault. He wondered if she blamed him for any of it.

As they grew steadily (but slowly) closer to her, her heart began to pound in her chest. It felt the same as when she watched him, as when she met him. She stopped herself from naming the rest. It was or felt like an infinite list. It always happened. She was only thankful that she was good at maintaining her appearance in situations. The appearance was both cool, collected, analytical, secretive yet it did not matter. The one thing that she always wanted to be was simply strong.

Even now, every single time she heard, said or thought of the word "strong" she saw her parents. Her mother constantly walking out of the apartment wearing a waitress uniform and carrying a plastic bag with another set of work clothes. Her black hair thrown into a messy ponytail. While her father wore a nice suit, had lighter hair, blue eyes, a tall frame, and standing outside of a nice silver car. He carried a fake smile and the woman carried a true one. His eyes were warmer towards her. At least they appeared to be.

They never lived together. She usually only saw her father through the windows of the studio apartment and he usually saw her from the street during the days she lived with her mother. He was married to another woman, had a son, and had an extremely good job. Other than that she knew nothing nor did she care to learn. She was just a mistake to them or at least that was what she believed.

She never saw her mother's eyes except when her mind saw the image of her on the couch indulging in alcohol and crying. Her hair sticking up, her face pale, and also tear stuck. The piles of trashy romance paperbacks with yellowing pages lining she watched her sobs, the woman turned towards her and threw one of the books at book had at her. Then she remembered going to live with her father and how she had gotten her first computer for her birthday. The rest of it became a blur. Though she had picked up on one thing after that time. As she started at a new school and was given more "freedom" she began to sense that something was "wrong" with the surroundings around her. Everything seemed to remain the same. Everything felt "hazy" or rather "unreal."

Even now, she could never truly describe that feeling, and ever since she had discovered it she had pulled herself away from most things that the world had offered. She spent a lot of time just drifting and doing what she was forced to do, in order to get through the day. Though she had found a hobby in hacking around that time and it had to lead her to discover that her hunches about the world had been correct.

_It was not real._

_It was not real._

Trinity stood there repeating that to herself as she felt tears form in her eyes. She quickly stopped herself and reminded herself yet again of how she needed to be.

However, she became the things that she had portrayed herself to be. These were very things that she ended up keeping her alive when the things were at their worst, militarily speaking. Being able to stay in control resulted from having such traits and when there was an enemy that was unstoppable and one had to escape it became a weapon in itself. They played on emotion. One could never show emotion. That was a part of why every rebel wore sunglasses when they were in the Matrix.

The countless encounters with the agents played through her mind as she internally mentioned that. There were so many times where she watched her fellow crew members and friends die in front of her. Most of the time these incidents happened while they were attempting to unplug someone. She never once was in the position to do anything about it and even if she could have done something, one question still remained. What could she do? They were invincible. They could dodge anything that one could throw at them. They could take over the minds and bodies of anyone who had not been freed. Even if some damage was done, they would abandon that body and find another.

She did not even want to think of what it would be like if she was not good at that.

Regardless, she did not need to witness such events so she could learn and master such a technique. She had learned long ago during her childhood about how important skills like that truly were. Such a skill usually in those days brought her the time alone that she needed by causing everyone to forget about her existence until she would reemerge for a brief period of time. Maybe, she would often find herself thinking, that was the reason why every hacker, government agency, and person in the matrix believed that their hero "Trinity" was a guy.

Back in those days managing to hack the IRS d-base was considered to be the ultimate prize for any hacker. It was commonly referred to as the "Holy Gail" and rightfully so. It provided answers to any question according to popular internet myth. Another known story was that the infamous Morpheus had attempted to do so because stopping and would contact anyone who had managed to get as far as he did. Around the time she began to "hang out" in those popular chat rooms, another rumor formed.

Anyone who had ever tried to crack their system gave up and was later caught within a few hours. Most of those who were caught were thrown into prison. Yet, she had heard of a few who had disappeared without a trace.

One night when she was thirteen and unable to sleep, she logged on to that familiar chat room and created her alias the very second that the 'enter name' option had appeared on her screen. As the others in the room greeted her and re-assumed their chat about the mysterious system, she watched as a mysterious name appeared on the screen and began typing.

**_"Do you guys know what the matrix is?"_ **

All conversation paused until another person responded **_"Is it something that database would have an answer to?"_**

That question was followed by a **_"Is it some new supercomputer? Or a video game?"_**

More and more of the hackers that had been either lurking or chatting quickly jumped in asking more and more questions.

**_"Is it something involving Area 51?"_ **

**_"No! It has to be a super program that the government is going to use to watch everyone's activities!"_ **

As the person left the chat without any other word, statement, or hint, a massive debate began and the young girl found herself interested in what the stranger had to say. She was at that time still a beginner but over the course of two years had perfected her talent and devised enough plans to reach her goal. Despite not even knowing if attempting such a stunt was even going to help her find the answer to that stranger's question.

It did not matter. It was better to do something than to sit around always wondering.

Trinity had done the impossible and had cracked it when she was only fifteen. It had taken hours, many cups of coffee, patience, and years of learning the various skills required to attempt such a feat. Once she had done so and managed to carefully cover her tracks, she watched every action she made from that moment on. Trinity still never could understand why she decided to go through with it.

In the end, she was still glad to have gone through with it.

She still fondly remembered the late-night chat rooms filled with other hackers. How most if not all of them were egotistical, energetic, and in her opinion a bit too open on the internet for their own good. She still went there when she was unable to sleep for a laugh, to waste time, and rarely to relive those early days. Those days were every night, there was a passionate and wild debate. Whether it was over how she had succeeded if she was real, or who their hero truly was. No one ever once gotten her gender right let alone her true age. While some of the theories were downright entertaining reads (such as the tale of how Trinity was really a double agent), she was disappointed. Not a single person ever brought up the possibility that this infamous hacker could be a girl.

Another step sounded and sent her back into reality.

Within minutes her heartbeat blocked out every other sound that was around her and the cold that she had managed to stop feeling returned in full force. As she felt his eyes linger on her and his presence grow closer she felt unnatural. She never once felt her heart race and her temperature drop like she did now or had whenever she had encountered him. She never once felt the urge of wanting to hold someone and be held by them. The things that her mother must have wanted. The things that so many people she encountered must have wanted and dreamed of.

Her mind went and reminded her of the kiss. As it replayed in her mind she could still feel her lips tingling from it. She slowly raised her hand and gently put two of her fingers on her lower lip. She wanted to scream, cry, do something...anything to make it stop. This went against everything she had promised herself, yet now that she thought of it she wanted this. Within that moment, Trinity knew that this was her breaking point.

Then the footsteps stopped.

She could sense that he was nervous and even more so than usual. As she debated about turning around and trying to find a way out of the room. She felt one of his hands gently and firmly grab her left shoulder. Immediately the soldier felt her mind enter a blank, her breaths become shallow, and her heart race. At first, Trinity felt the urge to fight. Her fight or flight instructs had kicked in but she stopped herself as she sensed his nervousness. As she felt her mind begin to spin, she felt herself being gently turned around.

Icy blue eyes met concerned chocolate ones. The two stood there for what felt like hours just looking at each other.

**_To be continued_ **


End file.
